your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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