I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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