Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
