see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
