chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
