her facebook's as public as her vagina
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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