dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you never un-have a 4some
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize