I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
