my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
