I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
