I just made out with a guy for $7.
i already hear my dad disowning me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize