Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
