Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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