And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
