I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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