There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to make a zoo with you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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