she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
