I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
