dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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