Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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