I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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