Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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