I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
