I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
