There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
