Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
