If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
