i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
