Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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