So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
