Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I need water and some morals
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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