finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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