Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
