yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
