Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
