My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
