i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
