I'm gonna have a badass scar
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
