It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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