I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
