You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
