Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
