And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
