thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize