I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
