I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
