There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im holly from the hills drunk
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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