this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
