so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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