Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
