I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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