Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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