and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
