It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
