i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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