This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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