my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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