I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize