i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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