yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
