i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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