I have demons in me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
