why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
